Episode 86: Why Boring Relationships Are Healthy

Episode 86: Why Boring Relationships Are Healthy

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When a relationship develops into a safe and comfortable haven, we can mistake this security for boredom. This is especially true if our background includes volatile relationships with massive highs and lows. When we’ve learned to walk on eggshells in our relationships, it can feel unnatural to walk boldly in confidence within a healthy relationship. If you find yourself in a boring relationship, it’s the perfect opportunity to explore this feeling with great curiosity and get boring relationship help!

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WHY BORING RELATIONSHIPS ARE HEALTHY

GET BORING RELATIONSHIP HELP!

Let's be honest. Most of us have experience with toxic relationships and adapted to some pretty unhealthy behavior patterns. It became entirely normal for us to:

  • Walk on eggshells
  • Avoid interaction
  • Experience a rollercoaster of emotions
  • Communicate through screaming and yelling

Familiarity comforts our nervous system, even when expected behaviors are toxic and unhealthy. Research has shown that we are attracted to experiences and people that can bring anxiety because it creates the stimuli we know how to process.

It can be very challenging to navigate a healthy relationship if you've been in a toxic relationship or grew up in a household where your parents or caregivers had an unhealthy one. Kind communication and the ease of simply living life without pit-stops of drama have not yet conditioned your nervous system.

Boring Relationship Help Tip: When you are used to over-functioning in a relationship, a calm, healthy one can seem dull in comparison.  CLICK TO TWEET

A BORING RELATIONSHIP IS THE GOAL

The goal is to have a boring relationship, and it is normal for relationships to get boring. When I say boring, I mean you are in a relationship where:

  • You are loved unconditionally
  • You enjoy conversations that are fair and kind
  • You don’t have to worry about your partner hurting you
  • Your partner doesn’t worry about you hurting them

Boring does not mean your relationship lacks love and excitement; it means you feel safe. A “boring” healthy relationship means you feel safe. You can experience a steady flow of intimacy without the highs and lows of constant conflict and worry.

Boring Relationship Help Tip: You feel bored in your relationship because you feel safe! CLICK TO TWEET

CAN YOUR BORING RELATIONSHIP BE INTIMATE?

Absolutely! When we feel safe, we can actually start to contract because our nervous system doesn't know what to do. If you're feeling bored in your relationship, can you bring in more excitement in a healthy way? Ask yourself:

  • How can you become more of your authentic self?
  • How can you open yourself up to more intimacy?
  • How can you open your heart to give more?
  • How can you open your heart to receive more love?

You have already started the process if you're in a boring relationship. You've established authenticity in the relationship. The next step is developing an even greater intimacy with your partner, which can be sexual or nonsexual. Intimacy is the space where you feel safe, loved, and open to the possibilities you can experience with your partner.

Boring Relationship Help Tip: When boredom creeps into your relationship, ask yourself, "Where can I give myself permission to be more intimate in this relationship?"

STEP OFF THE EMOTIONAL ROLLER COASTER

It will naturally feel different when we step off the emotional rollercoaster of overcompensating and over-functioning in a relationship. Anytime I'm in a place of boredom, I go back to nurturing my inner child.

My inner child still likes picking a fight, and she does this because she feels bored. My inner child is still seeking that comfort and familiarity of the chaos that was part of her everyday life. This new normal, while healthy and wonderful, isn't always comfortable.

Relationships that are challenging you to grow will be uncomfortable. You and your partner are meant to help each other grow. The growth process will open wounds, and when those wounds are exposed, old ways of communicating can creep out or make a grand entrance with dramatic flair.

The important thing is to forgive yourself and your partner when necessary when old patterns come to pay a visit. You can acknowledge them and then show them to the door.

HUG ME!

Let's go back to a crucial word for relationships: Intimacy. You can define what intimacy is for you by exploring what you crave, what you seek, and what actions support you in feeling safer within your non toxic relationship. Making intimacy a priority opens you up to a new level of honesty to feel secure as your authentic self.

My husband and I just started a new morning ritual to create consistent intimacy in our relationship. It has had a profound impact on both our nervous systems and is surprisingly simple.

We hug each other. That's it.

We take a very intentional break in the morning chaos to hug each other. If one of us forgets, the other one reminds us. I will not let go until I know that I have felt my nervous system completely relax. It's so simple.

Boring Relationship Help Tip: If you are bored in your relationship, what acts of intimacy will allow your nervous system to relax and be open to receiving love from your partner?

WHEN YOUR PAST SELF PICKS A FIGHT

I am thrilled to have a healthy, boring, but incredibly satisfying romantic relationship. My past self may not have believed it was possible because she loved picking a fight. The constant conflict was what I grew up with, so when I first started dating, fighting was something I knew how to do very well.

By the time I met my husband, I had enough self-awareness to see myself replaying old stories, but I would still fall into those patterns. My husband and I are both Aries, and we both love being right. Early on in our relationship, I did what I always had. I would pick a fight with him.

While he is not a yeller, I learned what buttons to push to raise his voice because that made me feel safe. It has taken a long time, a lot of healing, a lot of introspection, and a lot of self-control to allow myself to feel safe in a healthy relationship and to feel love differently.

LET’S CELEBRATE CALM AND BORING RELATIONSHIPS

You do not need to:

  • Over-function in a relationship
  • Walk on eggshells
  • Be on an emotional roller coaster

And if you are experiencing these things in your relationship, is the relationship serving you?

I am striving for a boring relationship because that means I am not yelling or screaming, and I am not interacting in that relationship as a wounded person. My partner is not acting out of a place of being wounded. That does not mean our wounded child never comes out. It's just not being acted out day in and day out. There's mutual love and respect and kind communication that is occurring.

Boring does not define the quality of your relationship. It simply highlights the absence of chaos within your relationship. CLICK TO TWEET

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Full transcription of the episode:

Hello, and welcome to today's episode. I'm so excited you are here. If you've ever been in a toxic relationship or grew up in a household where your parents or caregivers had a toxic relationship, it can be very challenging and very hard to be in a healthy relationship. It's because the nervous system is not used to kind communication, is not used to being on the lazy river, and just floating peacefully down it. When you're in a toxic relationship, or you grew up in a toxic household, these relationships can feel like you're on an emotional rollercoaster.

You're constantly walking on eggshells. And research has shown that we are attracted to experiences and people that can bring anxiety because it creates stimuli. And if you're used to a relationship like that, or your caregivers or your parents were in a relationship like that, and you get into a healthy relationship that is drama free, you have open communication. You're not worrying about the other person doing something wrong, and you're not worried that they're thinking that you're doing something wrong. It can feel quite boring.

And it can feel quite boring because you're not over-functioning in the relationship. And over-functioning is where walking on eggshells comes about. And let me tell you, your parents and your caregivers can cause these emotions. Because if you are taught, that love is shown by screaming and yelling, that's how you're going to communicate in a relationship. And over time, you might learn how to not communicate that way.

I know for me, that's how I learned my stepdad was an alcoholic. We walked on eggshells. His constant volume was healing. And healing was just a part of everyday life. And when I first started dating, this was something that I knew very well how to do.

I knew how to pick a fight, and I knew how to have my partner pick a fight back with me. Two wounded people will do this to each other. And I know, like, for me and my husband, we're both Aries. We're both right fighters. We like to be right.

And so early on in our relationship, I would pick a fight with him. My husband is not a yeller like at all. But I knew exactly what buttons to push because it would make me feel, in some weird way, safe because that's what I was used to. And it has taken a long time, a lot of healing, a lot of introspection, and a lot of self-control to allow myself to feel safe in a healthy relationship and allow myself to feel love in a different way. The goal is to have a boring relationship.

And when I say boring, this is what I mean by boring. Someone that loves you unconditionally, someone that is open to having a fair conversation, have kind communication, someone that you don't have to worry about, and they don't have to worry about you. Doing something wrong, that they're going to hurt you, that you're going to hurt them. Boring does not mean that there is not a lot of love, not a lot of excitement. Boring means that you feel safe.

Let me say that again. A boring, healthy relationship means you feel safe. There is still a lot of intimacy in this relationship.

I was talking to a good friend of mine, and we were talking about romantic partners, and she mentioned how well she loved her romantic partner, but her sexual activities were boring her and that she doesn't understand why it was boring her. And I looked at her, and I wish you could see her face when I said this to her because it was a huge breakthrough for her. And that was you're bored because you feel safe.

OOH, did that hit home for her? When we feel safe, we can actually start to contract because our nervous system doesn't know what to do. And so, if you're feeling bored in your relationship, ask how you can bring more excitement to it because you feel safe. How can you become more of your authentic seals if you're in a boring relationship? You have already started to do this process, and you're there.

You're very authentic in your relationship. But how can you allow yourself to be even more authentic? How can you open yourself up to more intimacy? Intimacy is sexual and nonsexual. Most of the intimacy is nonsexual.

So how can you open yourself up to even more nonsexual intimacy? How can you feel more safe? How can you open your heart to give more? Here's the big one. How can you open your heart to receive more love?

How can you open your heart to feel more worthy of receiving more love?

When we stop the emotional rollercoaster of stimuli of overcompensating and over-functioning in a relationship, it's naturally going to feel different when the boredom creeps in. Ask yourself, where can I give myself permission to be more intimate in this relationship?

I think this is a really big question. And a lot of these questions that I'm proposing to you are big questions to sit with because it will be in that moment in time that you receive the answer.

For me, I go back to nurturing my inner child, and anytime I'm in a place of boredom, or I can feel myself wanting to pick a fight, or I picked the fight because this happens still. You can still pick a fight. Like in relationships, your partner is meant to assist you in growing as you are meant to assist your partner in growing as well. And there are wounds that are going to be exposed, touched, and cracked open. And when those wounds are exposed, because we hit some of our upper limits, old ways of loving, old ways of communicating can come creeping out or not even creeping out.

They can come just screaming out, blazing. And it can feel really nasty. Shameful, dark, sad, whatever the emotion is that you may be feeling when this happens. But you have to remind yourself how far you've come. Forgiveness is key.

Asking for forgiveness is also key. But don't pick the fight because you're bored. It's not right, and it's not healthy, and you don't deserve that. And the other person doesn't deserve that either. And also, have a lot of compassion if your partner is doing this as well.

And I want to go back to a really important word, and that is intimacy. I think defining what intimacy looks like, what you're craving, what you're seeking, supports more in you feeling safe as well, but also cracks you open to this new level of honesty for you to be your most authentic self. My husband and I started a new ritual in the morning of how we create intimacy. And this new ritual has been so profound and so helpful for my nervous system and his nervous system. It's really amazing, and it's not a big act. It's just an act of intimacy.

And the act is just giving each other a hug. Like we make a very intentional break into the morning chaos to give each other a hug. And if one forgets, the other one reminds. And I will not let go until I know that I have felt my nervous system completely relax. It's so simple.

If you are bored in your relationship, what are acts of intimacy that will allow your nervous system to relax and to be open to receiving the love from your partner? I want you to sit with these questions because they're big ones, and you do not need to over-function in a relationship. You do not need to walk on eggshells. You do not need to be on a roller coaster. And if you are on these things, is the relationship serving you?

Because I know for me I am striving for a boring relationship because that means I am not yelling, I am not screaming, and I am not interacting in that relationship out of a place of being wounded. And that person that I'm with is not acting out of a place of being wounded. That does not mean that there is not times when our wounded child doesn't come out. It's just not being acted out day in and day out. There's a mutual love and respect and kind communication that is occurring.

I hope that this is occurring for you as well. I hope you enjoyed today's episode. Please make sure you like and subscribe. It helps more than you know. I'm sending you lots and lots of love and light. Bye.

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