Episode 90: Stop People Pleasing

Episode 90: Stop People Pleasing

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People pleasing can drain your life force and prevent you from doing what you love. To stop being a people pleaser, check in with your higher self and use your intuition. Recognize when your ego is overriding what your intuition is telling you to do. Here are seven signs to look out for so you can stop people-pleasing.

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HOW TO STOP PEOPLE PLEASING

The other day, I forgot to tell my husband I needed him to take our daughter to school; but before he took her to school, I needed him to take her to the chiropractor.

Unfortunately, my husband couldn’t take her to the chiropractor appointment before he dropped her off at school because he had other commitments. I began to get super anxious and stressed because I was disappointed in myself for forgetting to communicate with my husband and stressed out because my daughter was going to miss her appointment.

I started spinning out of control to figure out how to rearrange my entire morning so I could take her to the chiropractor as planned.

I make it a habit of continuously checking in with my higher self to see if something serves my highest good to do or not to do something, even when I am stressed out and anxious.

My internal system kept saying, no, don't do it; cancel the appointment!

Even though I heard no from my intuition, my ego said, “No, don’t cancel the appointment; just figure it out. Amy, just figure it out! You can rearrange this appointment. You can rearrange this. You'll figure it out!”

And then I had to stop and pause because I kept hearing no.

It’s essential to listen when your intuition is telling you something, and don't try to override it.

I had to ask myself, why am I trying to override this? And it was very simple: I was people-pleasing!

HOW I WAS PEOPLE PLEASING

I didn't want to disappoint my husband because I knew he was busy.

I didn't want to disappoint the chiropractor because I booked the appointment, and someone else could have taken that spot.

I also felt stressed that if I rearranged my schedule, I would be late for my own appointments that day.

When I took a moment and paused to check why I was trying to override my intuition that said no, I recognized it was people-pleasing from a trauma response.

WHAT IS A PEOPLE PLEASER?

People pleasers put the needs of other people before their own. They may have a hard time with conflict, so they often avoid it, even if it means hurting themselves or going against their desires. People pleasing can be a learned behavior, often rooted in low self-esteem or the feeling that they are not worthy unless they are pleasing others.

SIGNS YOU ARE PEOPLE PLEASING

Here are six different signs you are people-pleasing:

  1. You don’t have any time: You will often do things for others even if you don’t have the time, or it takes away time from doing something you would rather be doing.
  2. You have difficulty saying no: You will say yes to doing something even when you don’t want to.
  3. You pretend to agree with others: You will agree with someone's opinion even if you don’t really agree, so you will be liked or avoid conflict.
  4. You don’t feel worthy or have low self-esteem: When you have low self-esteem, you will agree to things to appease others, making you feel more worthy and better about yourself even if you really don’t want to do it.
  5. You don’t want to disappoint others: You don’t want to disappoint anyone or have someone think you are mean because they say no. This is also a learned behavior.
  6. You overly explain yourself and give an excuse when it’s unnecessary: If you are being guided to say no, saying “no or I am not able to” is a perfectly good answer. You don't have to explain why you can't do it. You don't have to say, I don't have time for that, it doesn't meet my values, or I have another obligation. You don't owe anybody an explanation. Begin to notice any time you have to say no, or cannot agree to someone’s request, how you start to give every excuse on why it's impossible. These excuses can be valid and reasonable, but they are unnecessary to share. A great way to identify if you overly explain yourself and give excuses when it is not necessary to is by paying attention to the things you say to strangers when they make a request. You might catch yourself overly explaining. Stop, pause, take a breath, and remind yourself that less is more, and you don’t have to share all this information with that person.

PEOPLE PLEASING IS A TRAUMA RESPONSE

People pleasing can be a learned behavior from past experiences. This is what I call the trauma response. If you're conditioned to be a good little girl or boy or as an adult to make sure that you don't disappoint someone, you're going to figure out a way to make sure everybody is happy in the equation, even if you're miserable. This can be a very unconscious behavior.

USING YOUR INTUITION TO STOP PLEASE PLEASING

The first step in overcoming people pleasing is to start recognizing when it is happening. Notice when you are about to say yes to something, even when your intuition tells you to say no. Pay attention to your body language, words, and behavior, and be honest with yourself when you recognize it.

The next step is to start listening to your intuition. Whenever someone makes a request, take a few moments to check in and see if it aligns with you. If it is not, then don’t override it. Instead, be assertive and stand in your power by saying no. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for why you don’t want to do something.

When you pause, check in with your intuition, and ask what serves your highest good, you will start to recognize your higher self guiding you. Listen and trust your intuition.

At some point, we have all people pleased in some way, shape, or form because we didn't want to disappoint someone, some organization, or multiple people simultaneously.

But what ends up happening when you continue to people-pleasing is you get stressed, burned out, and resentful. Your mental health is taken to the car's back seat and forgotten. It is crucial to check in any time someone requests something from you to see if it is an alignment.

Lastly, remember that you are beautiful, no matter what. It’s okay to say no and disappoint someone. People pleasing will only drain your life force and prevent you from doing the things that you love. So, remember to always check in with your higher self and trust your intuition.

If you enjoyed this episode with Amy Robeson, we would love to invite you to check out other inspirational episodes by clicking here. Enjoy!

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Full transcription of the episode:

The other day, I was spinning out of control. First thing in the morning, I was stressed, I had anxiety, and I was checking in. And I will check in whenever I'm being guided to do something or not to do something.

I'll check in. I'll check in, and I'll ask myself, like, am I supposed to be doing this? And I was spinning out of control because I forgot to tell my husband I needed him to take my daughter to school. But before he took her to school, I needed him to take her to the chiropractor. So I was stressed out because I forgot to tell him.

So I was disappointed in myself. And then he said he couldn't do it. So then I was stressed out that she was going to miss her appointment. So I started spinning out of control to figure out how I could rearrange my entire morning to take her. And what I ended up doing is I ended up checking in, and my internal system kept saying, no, don't do it; cancel the appointment.

And I'm really good about checking in, but there was a part of me that was like, no, just figure it out, Amy, just figure it out. You can rearrange this appointment. You can rearrange this. You might be able to make it down to your appointment slightly a couple of minutes late, but it will all be okay, just... You'll figure it out. And then I had to stop and pause because I kept hearing no.

And it's really important to listen when your internal system when your intuition is telling you something and don't try to override it. So I had to ask myself, why am I overriding this? And it was very simple. I was people pleasing.

I didn't want to disappoint my husband because I knew he was busy. I didn't want to disappoint the chiropractor because I didn't want to cancel an appointment because he made it for me. And someone else could have taken that spot. I also was stressed out about making it to my appointment on time in the morning. And what I had to stop and do is I had to recognize that this was a trauma response. So people pleasing can come from low self-esteem.

So if you're worried about what other people think about you, people pleasing can also come from perfectionism. People pleasing can also come from past experiences. And this is where the trauma response comes in. So if you're conditioned to be a good little girl or good little boy and make sure that you don't disappoint someone, you're going to figure out a way that everybody is happy in the equation, even if you're miserable. And this can be a very unconscious behavior.

And that's why it's important to use your intuition. That's why it's important to check in, even if you're still wanting to override it. Because if you override it, you at least checked in, and your intuition told you what was in your highest good. If you override it, then it's the matter of learning a new behavior. So people pleasing is a part of our soul's evolution.

I believe that at some point in time, we have all people pleased in some way, shape, or form because we didn't want to disappoint someone or some organization or multiple people at the same time. But what ends up happening when you are people pleasing is you get stressed, you burn out, and you get resentful. Your mental health is just taken to the back seat of the car and forgotten about. And it is so crucial to check in any time someone makes a request of you to see if is it an alignment or is it not. Sometimes you might just not want to do it, but it does serve your highest good.

And you might get a yes, or you might get a no. And your system will say, no, don't do that. And someone might guilt you into doing it. So the next time that happens, you have to stand in your power and be assertive.

So signs of people pleasing could be not having enough time, doing things that you don't want to do, or being agreeable to things that you disagree with.

Taking a moment to pause before you react to someone that's saying, hey, I like this thing. And then you're like, oh yeah, I like that thing too. Pause before you say, oh, I like that thing too because you don't want to hurt the other person's feelings. Pause and ask yourself, what do I think about that? Or you can even say out loud, what do I think about that?

And it's not too weird to actually say something like that out loud because you're training yourself to have an opinion that's different than others. And that's the cool thing about our human experience. We don't all have to agree on everything. And if we did agree on everything, one, it would be really boring, and two, you're not going to live out your purpose, your passion, and the things that you really like. Some of the people in your life might not like those things, and that's okay.

Other signs of people pleasing is how you feel about your worth. So if you have lower self-esteem and you don't feel worthy of something, you'll start agreeing to do things to appease other people or to feel better about yourself. And if you are struggling with your worth, it's really important that you surround yourself with people that love you and that aren't going to take advantage of your generosity. Another sign of people pleasing is worrying about disappointing the other person and worrying so much to the point that you're okay with not having any time for yourself to please that other person. This is also a very learned behavior.

And if you start looking at your relationships and how you appease other people, you'll start identifying some of your blind spots on where you overly give, and you're not being fed back in return. And those relationships require special and extra boundaries. So let me say that again, special and extra boundaries are required in those particular relationships, or that relationship has met its end, and it's time to dissolve it. Sometimes this is harder when you're in a relationship, let's say, with family members or friends that are so used to you saying yes to everything that it's going to catch them off guard when you say no for the first time. It's also okay to step away and pause those relationships.

Another sign that you're people pleasing, and this sign I like to... This is a really interesting sign because this is also a trauma response behavior. And I will catch myself wanting to do this. Now, I don't do it as often as I used to, but I will still catch myself in this response because it's a learned behavior and that giving an excuse when an excuse is not needed. Let me say that again.

If you are being guided to say no, no is good enough. You don't have to explain why you can't do it. No is a perfectly good answer. You don't have to say, I don't have time for that, or it doesn't meet my values, I got to go pick up my daughter or my son, or I have another obligation. You don't owe anybody an explanation.

So notice any time you have to say no, or you are not able to do that person's request, how you start to want to give every excuse on why it's not possible. And these excuses can be very valid, very good excuses, but they're not necessary to give. And I also like playing this game or just noticing where you give excuses and reasons to strangers when they're asking a request. Best place to start saying no to is people that you're not familiar with, where you don't have to give them a lot of excuses and notice how this is a behavior and how you automatically want to do it. And then pause, take a step back, and simply just end it with, no, I'm not interested.

No, that's not for me, and that's perfectly okay. People pleasing will drain your life. Force will prevent you from doing the things that you love, that are going to allow you to evolve, allow you to grow. Also, most importantly, they're going to make you anxious and stressed out, and resentful. And you don't need that. You don't need that in your life.

So start saying no to the things you want to say no to stop people pleasing. And no, you are not mean if you say no. You are a perfectly good human being. You're perfect in all the different ways, and you are still a nice person if you say no and you disappoint someone else.

Because guess what? Disappointment is an emotion that we get to experience in life. And sometimes that disappointment for that person is the kick in the butt to start taking their own responsibility in their own life as well. And so know that you are allowed to say no, and you are allowed to take deep, deep, deep care of yourself. I hope you enjoyed today's episode.

Please make sure you like and subscribe, and I will see you soon. Bye, my friend.

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