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In this episode, I share how setting boundaries, managing expectations, and practicing tolerance can help you maintain peace during family gatherings. I also discuss the power of gratitude and finding joy in small moments to shift your energy and create meaningful connections. By choosing your peace, you can approach the holiday season with grace and compassion, making space for more joyful memories.
The holidays are upon us, and with them come the joys—and sometimes challenges—of family gatherings.
During this season, many of us find ourselves navigating tricky family dynamics.
Whether it’s a one-time occurrence or a regular hurdle, dealing with difficult family members can make what should be a joyous occasion feel daunting.
How do you handle it when all you want is to have a good time or spend meaningful, quality time with your loved ones?
Let’s explore ways to cope with these situations and find peace amid the chaos.
The first thing to remember is this: you have free will.
You can choose to celebrate with family or not—it’s entirely up to you.
It’s essential to recognize that you have the capability and the right to decide whether spending time with family makes sense for you.
For me, living far from most of our family provides a unique perspective.
My husband and I are apart from everyone except my mother-in-law, who lives with us.
That distance sometimes simplifies things, but it also brings its own set of challenges.
For us, going home for the holidays doesn’t always make sense, so we celebrate at a different time of the year, which I absolutely love.
Sometimes, that’s just the best way to make things work without stressing anyone out.
While it would be amazing to spend time with my family during the holidays, this setup works best for us.
Now, if I were dealing with difficult family members during family events—whether it’s the holidays or any other time—here’s how I would navigate the situation.
The key is setting boundaries.
If there are topics of conversation that don’t make sense, cause arguments, or are off-limits for any reason, it’s important to identify those topics and set a clear boundary.
And remember, once that boundary is set, it’s essential to hold it.
If the boundary gets crossed, be prepared to follow through on whatever action you’ve decided.
Additionally, setting expectations is really helpful.
We all want to enjoy ourselves and spend quality time together, and aligning expectations can make that experience much smoother and more fulfilling.
We have this idea of how the day is going to go how the week is going to go or how the event is going to go.
When our expectations are not met, there’s disappointment, there’s guilt, there’s shame, there’s anger, there’s rage, there’s all sorts of different things that can happen.
I think that if you approach the situation with an understanding of what the expectations are and where expectations may or may not be met you can realistically set different expectations.
So that can be helpful.
So for example, let’s say you do not want to feel hurt during your family get-togethers, and you have a family member who no matter what always finds something to criticize you about or criticize someone in your family about or criticize everybody.
This person just can’t help themselves.
They are natural critics.
They criticize everybody, and that’s just their personality.
Expecting that person to change is not going to happen.
And so what I like doing in that situation is I will let the person lovingly know that that wasn’t nice to say, and I might avoid not spending as much time with that person as I would with everybody else.
With that being said, I practice tolerance.
People come from different generations with varying ideas on what’s acceptable to talk about.
As society evolves, so do our perceptions of what’s appropriate.
However, some people struggle to adapt.
In those moments, I practice tolerance, as long as their behavior isn’t harming me.
What do I mean by that?
I remind myself that the person’s behavior might be beyond their control, and I don’t take it personally.
I recognize it’s a character flaw on their part, not mine, and that makes it easier for me to let go.
It’s not my job to change them, but it is my job to respond in a way that supports my soul’s growth.
I have the power to choose my reaction, and if I react out of insecurity, I know that’s a choice I’m making.
What I choose to do is recognize that the person most likely doesn’t love themselves.
Their behavior is likely a reflection of internal struggles they’re choosing to project onto others, and I’m not going to fall for that game.
This helps me shift my perspective and not take their actions as my truth because, ultimately, you have the choice to accept or reject what others say about you.
What’s most important is how you perceive yourself and how you want to navigate the world.
However, tolerance doesn’t mean putting up with abuse.
If someone is verbally, physically, mentally, or emotionally abusive, that is not a situation where tolerance applies.
If I were facing abuse, I wouldn’t tolerate it for a second.
The tolerance I practice involves understanding someone’s history and giving myself permission to see why they might behave the way they do, without letting their behavior define me or affect my truth.
Practicing tolerance also assists in having more grace and compassion for others.
For me, I love doing this because if I allowed every little thing to bother me about a person, that would become my sole focus.
Instead, I choose to give myself permission to focus on the amazing things they’re good at.
After all, we all have shortcomings and things we’re working on.
Shifting this perspective allows me to have more fun, which is ultimately a choice.
You get to choose how you want to show up with your family, how you want to stay present, and whether or not to focus on the positives.
Managing expectations and practicing tolerance are key to making these choices easier.
Another tip that helps is staying active.
Go for a walk, bake, or find little activities that give you a chance to step away if heavy or unpleasant conversations come up.
Moving your body not only gives you a breather but also helps release stress and clear any energy you don’t want to carry with you.
It’s a simple but powerful way to keep yourself centered and free from taking on your family’s emotional baggage.
Navigating the holidays and difficult relationships also means identifying and enforcing your boundaries, especially when it comes to off-limit topics.
If you set a boundary, it’s your responsibility to hold it.
For example, if you have a family member who loves to talk about politics, and their views don’t align with yours—or they’re unwilling to have a respectful, open conversation—it’s probably not worth engaging.
Setting a clear boundary can help avoid unnecessary arguments.
You might say, “This holiday season, I’d really like to stay away from political discussions. If politics come up, I’ll kindly step away from the conversation because I want to enjoy my time with you.”
This approach communicates your boundaries lovingly and firmly while maintaining the focus on enjoying each other’s company.
Remember, once you’ve set the boundary, you’re responsible for holding it.
Following through on what you’ve communicated is essential to ensure your boundaries are respected and the holiday experience stays enjoyable.
If someone decides to start talking about politics despite your boundaries, you can simply say, “If you decide to talk about politics, I’m just going to excuse myself from the conversation. I wanted to let you know ahead of time.”
This way, you’re clear about your boundaries while giving them the courtesy of understanding your stance.
However, it’s essential to hold yourself accountable—don’t let yourself get reeled into the discussion.
If the topic comes up, excuse yourself as planned.
By doing so, you’ve upheld your boundary, communicated it clearly, and allowed them to react as they choose.
The responsibility for how the conversation progresses lies with them, but the responsibility for maintaining your boundary lies with you.
Another way to navigate family dynamics is to focus on the good times.
Think about the happy memories that bring you back into the holiday spirit and remind you of who your family is beyond the drama or challenges.
Perhaps you bring an old family photo to share or recall a funny story, a cherished trip, or a favorite holiday memory.
These moments can shift the energy, create connection, and offer a fresh perspective.
This can help shift family dynamics by reminding both yourself and others about those happy times.
And even if some family members don’t remember those moments, it’s still valuable for you.
It allows you to reconnect with positive memories, which can change the energy in the room.
Another crucial tip when coping with difficult family members or family dynamics is to remember to breathe.
It may sound simple, but we often forget to breathe, which can create stress.
Holding your breath increases cortisol, making it harder to stay present and calm.
Taking a moment to pause and breathe, to hit the reset button, can be incredibly helpful.
It’s a simple but powerful practice that allows you to ground yourself and ease tension.
Lastly, practicing gratitude can work wonders in shifting your perspective and your frequency.
When you focus on gratitude, no matter how small the thing may seem, your perception changes, and you elevate your energy.
I remember one of my first holidays with my husband’s family when I baked a pumpkin cheesecake.
That simple act of creating something brought me so much joy and helped me feel connected to the moment.
I remember one of the first holidays I spent with my husband’s family, I baked a pumpkin cheesecake in a cheesecake pan.
If you’ve ever used one, you know it has a little lever that, when released, expands the sides and lets the bottom pop out.
Well, my husband decided to release the lever while he was walking to the table, and I still find that moment hilarious to this day.
At the time, I could have been upset or angry, but instead, I was grateful that most of the cheesecake landed on the sheet and that we all had a good laugh about it.
Finding moments like these to laugh about and things to be grateful for, no matter how small, can be incredibly helpful.
It doesn’t always have to be an old memory. It could be the simple fact that you get to spend time with your family, even if they annoy you, upset you, or make you mad.
You’re given the gift of time—whether with family, friends, children, or your chosen family—and that in itself is worth gratitude.
Whatever the case may be, there’s always something to be grateful for.
It could be something as small as making cinnamon rolls together or simply being thankful for that hot cup of tea in your hands and the opportunity to just breathe and be present for a moment.
Practicing gratitude, no matter how tiny the thing, can truly change the game when it comes to shifting your frequency and perception.
The holiday season can undoubtedly be stressful, but it can also be filled with joy and create long-lasting memories.
Don’t let difficult family dynamics steal your peace.
You get to choose your peace. You get to decide how you’re going to react.
And most importantly, you get to choose you—because you deserve it.
When you choose yourself, you’ll open the door to having more compassion and grace for others when it’s needed most.
Happy holidays!
With love and blessings,
Amy Robeson
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Hey, Amy Robeson here. Thank you for joining me on this podcast where we talk about spirituality, the awakening process, mental health, and so much more. Join me weekly to get your weekly dose of spirituality and medicine. I look forward to seeing you on the inside. Hello and welcome, everyone, to today’s episode. I’m so excited you are here. The holidays are before us. And during the holiday season, sometimes, maybe all the time, maybe not as much, but sometimes we have to deal with difficult family members or difficult family Family Dynamics. And how do you navigate that when you just want to have a good time or you just want to spend quality time with your family? So we’re going to talk about how to navigate family dynamics today and how to cope with difficult family members during the holiday season. First and foremost you have free will. You can choose to celebrate with family or not celebrate with family. What’s really important is to recognize that you have the capability and you have the right to decide if spending time with family makes sense for you or not. I know that, I live away from all of our family, except my mother-in-law lives with us.
And so going home for the holidays doesn’t make sense to us. So we celebrate holidays during a different time of year, which I absolutely love. And Sometimes that’s just the best way to make it work, and no one’s stressed out about it. I wish I could spend time with my family during the holidays because it would be amazing if I could, but that’s what works for my family. Now, with that also being said, if I were to be dealing with difficult family members, these are exactly how I would navigate this situation. And this goes for any time you’re doing family events or functions. It doesn’t have to just be the holidays, but it’s really important to,, set boundaries. So if there are topics of conversations you do not want to participate in because they don’t make sense, they’re off limits, they cause arguments, whatever the case is, make sure you identify what those off-limit topics are and set a boundary and hold that boundary if the boundary is broken. Also, I think setting expectations in general is really helpful and healthy to do because oftentimes, we want to enjoy ourselves. We want to spend time.
We have this idea of how the day is going to go how the week is going to go or how the event is going to go. When our expectations are not met, there’s disappointment, there’s guilt, there’s shame, there’s anger, there’s rage, there’s all sorts of different things that can happen. I think that if you approach the situation with understanding understanding of what the expectations are and where expectations may or may not be met you can realistically set different expectations. So that can be helpful. So for example, let’s say you do not want to feel hurt during your family get-togethers, and you have a family member who no matter what always finds something to criticize you about or criticize someone in your family about or criticize everybody. This person just can’t help themselves. They are natural critics. They criticize everybody, and that’s just their personality. Expecting that person to change is not going to happen. And so what I like doing in that situation is I will let the person lovingly know that that wasn’t nice to say, and I might avoid not spending as much time with that person as I would with everybody else.
With that also being said, I practice tolerance. People come from different generations on what’s acceptable to talk about, and what’s not acceptable to talk about. As we grow and as we change, our society changes, and what is appropriate and what is not inappropriate changes as we evolve as a society as well. Sometimes, some people just can’t and don’t know how to change with time. What I do is I like to practice tolerance. I practice tolerance for that person. I practice tolerance for their behavior as long it is not harming me in any way, shape, or form. What do I mean by that? When I’m practicing tolerance and I’m going, They just can’t help themselves. I’m not going to take this personally. I recognize it’s a character flaw on their behalf and not my behalf, it’s a lot easier to practice tolerance. And it is not my job to fix that character flaw of theirs. My job is to choose to react to every situation in the way that I know is appropriate for my soul’s evolution and growth. I have the power to choose how I choose to react. And if I am reacting from a place of insecurity, and I know that that is not my truth, that is a choice that I am making.
So what I choose to do is recognize that that person most likely doesn’t love themselves. And that is something that most likely is going on internally with them, and they are choosing to take it out on other people, and I’m not going to play or fall for that game. And so it helps me shift and not take it on as my truth because you have a choice to take on what other people say about you as your truth or not your truth. And what’s important is how you perceive yourself and how you want to navigate the world. Also, tolerance does not mean that you are putting up with abuse. So if someone is verbally abusing you or physically mentally or emotionally abusing you in any way, shape, or form that doesn’t make sense for you to practice tolerance for, don’t do it. That is in no way, shape, or form what I am saying Because let me tell you, if someone was mentally abusing me or physically abusing me, I wouldn’t put up with that. Tolerance in the perspective that I’m talking about is understanding that person’s history and giving yourself permission to stand in their shoes and understand why they might be doing and behaving in the way that they’re behaving in.
And it assists you in having more grace and compassion for the person., I love doing this because if I were to let all of the little things really bother me about that person, that would be the only thing that I would be focusing on instead of giving myself permission to focus on some of the really amazing things that they’re good at because we all have shortcomings, we all have downfalls, we all have things that we’re working on, it allows you to have more fun. And that’s also the choice. You get to choose to have fun. You get to choose how you want to show up with your family at events and how you want to stay present. And so managing those expectations, and practicing tolerance is going to be really, really helpful. Also, I find that staying active and moving your body, going for a walk, baking doing things, and having little things to do that allow you to step away. If there are some heavy or not-so-pleasant conversations going on that you don’t want to participate in, can be very, very helpful. Also, just moving your body will help move some stress, help move some energy out, and help you clear energy so you’re not taking on your family’s junk.
That can be very, very helpful as well. Also, navigating the holidays and navigating difficult relationships is important to identify what your boundaries are, and what your off-limit topics are. Because if you set a boundary, you’re responsible for holding that boundary. For example, let’s say you have a family member that loves to talk about politics and you don’t agree with them on their political views and they’re not willing to see other views or something like that, it’s not worth chatting about. It’s not worth getting into an argument about. And so setting a boundary on what off-limit topics are and holding that boundary is really helpful. And so, for example, let’s say you have a family member who loves to talk about politics, and you can say, Hey, this holiday season, I really want to stay away from all politics. I just wanted to let you know that if you start talking about politics, I’m going to exit from the conversation just because I don’t want that to be a part of our holiday experience, and I really want to enjoy my time with you. That could be the way that you handle this situation. Now, remember, you are responsible for holding the boundary.
If you decide to start talking about politics, I’m just going to excuse myself from the conversation. I just wanted to let you know that ahead of time. So you’re letting the person know what the boundary is. You also have to hold yourself accountable to excuse yourself from the conversation, not be reeled into it, and exit. That way you held the boundary, you understood what it was, and they also heard what you said, and it is up to them how they choose to react afterward. But it’s up to you to hold that boundary. Another way to cope with family dynamics and difficult family members is to remember the good times. What are some happy memories that you have that allow you to get back into the holiday spirit, and remind you of who your family is, even with all of the drama or all of the things that are going on, remembering the happy times can bring you back to that happy place and allow things to take on a different perspective. Maybe you bring an old family photo with you and it allows you to check back in. Maybe you bring up an old story of something that you guys remember laughing about or a family trip or a family holiday memory.
This can assist in changing and shifting the dynamics by reminding yourself and others in your family what those happy times were. And it’s okay if they don’t remember it, it’s for you as well. Another thing that you can do while coping with difficult family members or family dynamics is to remember to breathe. This sounds so simple, but we can forget to breathe. We can be holding our breath, which causes more stress, which causes our cortisol to go up, which causes our inability to stay present, and it can stress us out even more. Just pausing and breathing and hitting the reset button can be very, very helpful, very healthy to do. And it is a very, very powerful practice. One more thing that you can do to assist with the family dynamics and coping with difficult family members is to practice gratitude. When you practice gratitude, your frequency will rise, your perception will shift, and you can find the smallest, littlest thing to be grateful for. I know for me, I baked a pumpkin cheesecake for one of the very first holidays that I spent with my husband’s family way back in the day.
And my husband, it was in the cheesecake pan. And if you know what a cheesecake pan is, it has this little lever. And when you unrelease the lever, it expands out and the bottom pops out. And my husband decided to release the lever while he was walking to the table. And to this day, I find that memory so funny. And at the time, I could have been angry about it. I could have been so upset about it. However, I was just grateful that, one, most of it still landed on the sheet that it was on, and two, that we all had a good laugh about it. Finding things to laugh about, finding Finding things to be grateful about can be very, very, very, very helpful. And then also it doesn’t have to be an old memory. It could be the littlest thing that you just actually get to spend time with your family, even when they annoy you, even when they make you mad, even when they make you sad. You get to spend time with your family, or you have time off work, or you get to spend time with your children, or you get to spend time with your friends, or you get to spend time with your chosen family.
Whatever the case is, you can find something to be grateful for. It could be the littlest, tiniest thing like, Oh, we made cinnamon rolls, or, Oh, I’m just grateful that I have this hot cup of tea and that I get to just breathe and be present for a moment. Whatever the case is, practice, practice, practice gratitude because it is a game changer when it comes to shifting your frequency and shifting your perception. So remember, the holiday season can be stressful, but it can also be a lot of fun, and you can create some really long-lasting memories. So don’t let difficult family Remember, still your peace. Choose your peace. Choose how you are going to react. And most importantly, choose you because you deserve to choose you. And when you’re choosing yourself, you will then understand and give yourself permission to have more compassion and grace toward others when it is necessary and needed. All right, my friends, I hope you enjoyed this. Please share this with a friend. Make sure you like and subscribe, and I’ll see you in the next one. Happy holidays. Bye.
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