Awakening with Amy Robeson- episode 20

Episode 20: How to Handle Confrontation

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Conflict is a part of life and how we handle confrontation is an important part of our growth and evolution. We’ll explore how we can use conflict to better understand ourselves and others.

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HOW TO HANDLE CONFRONTATION

CONFLICT IS A HUMAN EXPERIENCE

Confrontation is a word most of us associate with negative thoughts or feelings, but conflict is a part of our lives. Can confrontation be a good thing? Absolutely. It allows you to speak your truth, stand in that truth, and honor your voice. It can be an opportunity for huge growth and building bridges with people as you learn more about yourself and others through each confrontation you face.

What is your confrontation style? Do you run? Shrink back? Attack? Let’s talk about how we can examine it, sit with it, and learn from each time confrontation presents us with the opportunity to evolve and grow!

DRAWING LINES

Most people don't like confrontation. Most people don't want to argue with others. A lot of people will avoid it. But avoidance of all confrontations is actually extremely unhealthy. If you avoid all confrontation, it can invite people to walk over you, testing your boundaries, and even breaking your boundaries.

And you’re not allowing yourself to speak up and share what it is you truly want. You are silencing your desires for the temporary comfort of avoiding the uncomfortable moment of confrontation. This dims your light and removes your voice, your power, and your birthright of speaking your truth.

And each time you avoid speaking your truth, you are burying your feelings deeper and deeper. Your feelings don’t disappear, they build up, and eventually, they will come out in a very loud way! So it’s important to speak your truth in real-time so you’re not inviting an explosion of feelings later on!

Avoiding confrontation can dim your light.

SAY YES TO YOU

When we avoid confrontation…

  • We’re saying no to our soul.
  • We’re saying no to evolving.
  • We’re saying no to our power.
  • We are saying “No, I don’t deserve a voice.”

Two words: STOP IT.

You DO deserve to say yes to speaking your truth, setting your boundaries, and letting your feelings be known. Say YES to expressing yourself in confrontation. This is healthy, this is an invitation to give yourself permission to share your thoughts, feelings, and perspectives around a situation.

But this is a healthy way to confront a situation and an unhealthy way to address it….let’s talk about that!

4 OUTCOMES OF CONFRONTATION

There are four possible things that can happen in a confrontation. One is the best outcome. You're able to express yourself, and something healthy comes out of the conversation, something productive, even if it's just voicing what you're feeling and what's going on for you. You get to clear the air with it, even if the other person's unreceptive.

Or, you could:

  • Attack - “Fight”
  • Run - “Flight”
  • Shut down - “Freeze”

These three things are what we don’t want to happen, but all too often they do. Especially if you are not standing in your power or standing in your truth.

If you are not having the first outcome where you can clear the air, express your truth and hopefully move towards a resolution, it’s super important to recognize WHY you are attacking, running, or shutting down. But how?

Sit with it. Look at it. Get really curious as to WHY you aren’t comfortable facing the situation head-on towards a healthy resolution.

It’s important to recognize the triggers that cause the reaction to fight, flight, or freeze.

RECOGNIZE YOUR TRIGGERS

Your past experiences with confrontation can give you some important clues about how you handle confrontation in the present. For me, growing up in a household where the normal volume was screaming, my natural response to confrontation is to run away or to shut down. I’ve recognized that I can still do this in my adult life, even when the space is safe to have a disagreement and discussion around that disagreement.

So how I handle confrontation is by recognizing the signs of wanting to run, wanting to attack, or wanting to shut down. And when I recognize when something like this is happening, this is telling me it's time to pause and start observing what I'm feeling on the inside.

When I start to feel old habits coming up in new situations, I ask myself why? And I know that for me if I stick to this idea or this concept of what am I doing right now? Am I wanting to run away? Okay, how can I allow myself to breathe in this space, to recognize that I'm wanting to run away because I don't want to deal with this confrontation? How can I breathe? How can I just be with it? How can I listen to the other person with love and compassion and still sit with my feelings and know that I'm safe if we have this conversation?

Confrontation should happen in a safe space, where you are free to express your truth and be heard. But what if you don’t feel safe?

Confrontation should happen in a safe space, where you are free to express your truth and be heard.

HIT THE PAUSE BUTTON

There are times when either one or both of those in the confrontation are not in the best space mentally, spiritually, or emotionally to have the conversation surrounding the conflict. It’s okay to hit the pause button and come back to it later when the timing is right.

For me, when I was first married, I would shut down during any disagreement, to the point I couldn’t even remember what was said during the discussion. I realized this was a trauma response that I had to work through in order to move into healthy conflict resolution. I've had to teach myself that it's okay for people to get into a disagreement. I also know that if I am recognizing that it is not a healthy space for me to be in and that it is actually best for me to pause and take a break from whatever it is that's occurring in that space.

When you recognize your normal responses, then you can start looking at how you can shift out of those responses so that you can have a healthy conversation with someone that you know is going to be a challenging conversation to have. Each confrontation is an invitation to look at unhealthy coping mechanisms and face them, little by little, and move into a healthier space that produces better outcomes.

It's okay for people to get into a disagreement.

ARE THEY FACTS OR FEELINGS?

The other thing when you're dealing with confrontation is to remember to look at the facts, not the feelings. So these are the facts of how this person was behaving, acting, interacting, whatever it is. And these are my feelings about the person. I have to separate those two things.

I think that's really important because when we can separate our feelings versus the facts, we can then start viewing the situation through a different lens. This is the lens of love. This can also allow more compassion to come in when we are maybe dealing with a more challenging situation, and it allows us to see the situation through a different lens. It allows us to be in that other person's shoes as well.

So if you start looking at the facts, it will shift. Maybe the possibility of not even having to have a conversation with that person. But I want to encourage you, that if you are the type of person that usually goes into avoidance mode on confrontation, don't use that as an excuse to avoid a confrontation. Remember that if someone is walking all over you or something is happening that you do not like, it is really important for you to look at the whole picture and also have a space where you feel safe to express your feelings.

When we can separate our feelings from the facts, we can then start viewing the situation through the lens of love.

USING "I" INSTEAD OF "YOU"

When it comes to facts versus feelings, the way you present your perspective is super important. Using “I” statements concentrates on the fact. “I FELT” this way, rather than “You did this….” When you start a conversation by pointing out what the other person did, this is attack mode and starts with an assumption of knowing the other person’s perception and motivations around the experience.

So when you have a conversation with someone around, whatever it is that happens, it's important to not attack the person. That is not a healthy way to have a conversation when you know there are some big feelings involved. So when you're in a confrontation with someone, you want to stick to the facts of what is occurring for you as the individual. So we want to go back to I felt, I this, I that because then you're not attacking the person. They're able to see you through a different lens as well.

Does this mean this is going to work of the time? Absolutely not. Because if someone else is in their feelings, working through their stuff, they might feel that what you're sharing is complete baloney. And that's okay too because that is their perspective. What's important is that you have a space to share and not to avoid or to attack or to take flight or run away. Because when we can start processing confrontation in a really healthy way, it allows us to grow and stretch and evolve.

When we can start processing confrontation in a really healthy way, it allows us to grow and stretch and evolve.

UNIVERSAL LAW OF ALLOWING

Another thing about confrontation is you don't want to bring up the past over and over again when it has nothing to do with the situation. It's not fair to the other person and it's not fair to you. If you're not able to forgive, then what part can you start forgiving so that you can start overcoming the past? Because the past will keep you locked in the same place and we want to evolve. Once we give ourselves permission to let go of the past, new avenues wake up.

Also, there's a universal law, the art of allowing. With that law, if someone doesn't want to move forward, but you're making the effort to move forward, that's totally up to them. Unfortunately, they're going to miss out on something. And it's okay. We can't control what someone else does, but we can play the part of creating peace, speaking our truth, standing in our power, holding boundaries, and giving ourselves permission to forgive and move on. It's really important that you do this part. And if that other person doesn't want to do that part, that's okay too.

Ultimately, it’s up to us to face any confrontation that’s looming in front of us. It’s up to us to rip that band-aid and have the conversations we might be avoiding. We may not be able to guarantee the outcome of the situation, but we are able to shift out of any of the angst or anger, frustration or worries, or stress that you have around the situation because it frees up the space that you really, truly desire to have instead of holding space for what happened. By facing the confrontations we may be avoiding, we are freeing up space in our hearts, our minds, and our souls to live the lives we are meant to live!

Make space in your heart, mind, and soul for that which you truly desire!

 

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Full transcription of the episode:

Before we get started with the episode today, I wanted to do a quick invite. I'm going to be hosting a free summer solstice celebration online. Every single time the season changes, I always offer a free guided visualization meditation. I also call these healings. We will be doing that on June 21. That's a Tuesday, and it is at 02:00 p.m. Central time. That's 03:00 p.m. Eastern and 12:00 p.m. Pacific.

If you are on my emailing list, you'll get information about this. If you want to join our email list, you can sign up for our free Sacred Gifts. There's over 20 plus free healings. The link is in the show notes, so click on that link and then also if you're in our free Facebook group, we'll also have an event there as well. We'll be doing it live on Facebook. We'll also be doing it live on Zoom. If you can't come to the live, we'll send the email out with the replay. So make sure you don't miss it. It's always a lot of fun. So let's get started. Today we're going to talk about how to handle confrontation.

This is a touchy subject because I know most people don't like confrontation. Most people don't want to argue with people. A lot of people will avoid it. And I just want to let you know, that avoiding it does not work either. It's actually extremely unhealthy to avoid all confrontations as a whole. If you avoid all confrontation, there's going to be several things that could happen. One, people can start walking on you, walking all over you, testing your boundaries, breaking your boundaries. Also, you're not giving yourself the opportunity to speak up and share what you want. Avoiding confrontation can also dim your light.

So let me give you an example. If you and your partner are getting ready to watch a movie and your partner picks out a movie that you don't want to watch, but you don't say anything and you watch the movie, that's avoiding confrontation. And where it becomes unhealthy is if you continue to watch things or continue to say yes to things that you really don't want to do, but because you don't want to get into a confrontation, you avoid it. And what ends up happening is you bury, bury, bury, bury, bury, bury. And when you bury those emotions, you bury those feelings, they are going to come out eventually. They are going to explode eventually, and they're going to come out at the most inopportune time. And you might not even realize why they're coming out, because it could be something that they're coming out on that's unrelated.

And so when we avoid confrontation, we are also saying no to our soul. We're saying no to evolving. We're saying no to our own power. We're saying no, no, no, you don't deserve to have a voice in this situation. And I want to tell you to stop it. It's okay to have confrontations. It's actually healthy to let someone know how you're feeling and what you're thinking about. What's not healthy is when you go into a confrontation with the motive to attack. Or maybe if the motive isn't to attack, you want to share what's going on, but an attack happens, and that's where it's not healthy. We also don't want to be attacked either. And sometimes we can avoid confrontation because the other person is going to attack or say mean things that hurt your feelings and it causes you to retreat, or it causes you to freeze. And that's not healthy too, or it causes you to attack back.

So there's four possible things that can happen in a confrontation. One is the best outcome. You're able to express yourself, and something healthy comes out of the conversation, something productive, even if it's just voicing what you're feeling and what's going on for you. And you get to clear the air with it, even if the other person's unreceptive. But at least you have the opportunity to clear the air. Or this is what happens. You could attack, which is also known as fight. You could run, which is also known as flight, or you can shut down, which is also known as freezing. I know for me, depending on the person, depending on the situation one of these three things that I don't want to happen can happen, especially if I'm not standing in my power and standing in my light and standing in my truth.

Also, this can also happen if I feel like I'm being attacked or if I feel that I'm not able to voice my opinion. So how I handle confrontation is by recognizing the signs of wanting to run, wanting to attack, or wanting to shut down. And I realize I recognize these signs. And when I recognize when something like this is happening, this is telling me it's time to pause and start observing what I'm feeling on the inside. Because for me, growing up in a household that the normal volume was screaming, my natural response to confrontation is to run away or to shut down. It's very rare that I want to attack. But if I want to attack, my nails are out and I want to go there and I'm seeing red. And I know that for me if I stick to this idea or this concept of what am I doing right now? Am I wanting to run away? Okay, how can I allow myself to breathe in this space, to recognize that I'm wanting to run away because I don't want to deal with this confrontation? How can I breathe? How can I just be with it? How can I listen to the other person with love and compassion and still sit with my feelings and know that I'm safe if we have this conversation?

I also know that if I am recognizing that it is not a healthy space for me to be in and that it is actually best for me to pause and take a break from whatever it is that's occurring in that space, that that's okay too. I think when we recognize our natural response to certain situations and confrontations, that also helps us to know how to process confrontation in a different way. I know for me when I first started dating my husband, I would often shut down in a confrontation. I couldn't remember a darn thing he would say, and it was how I coped as a child. And so this was how I would go into our relationship whenever a confrontation would be. And I couldn't remember a darn thing he would say to me because this was my coping mechanism from trauma in the past. And so I've had to teach myself that it's okay for people to get into a disagreement. It is okay for people to get into a disagreement.

A disagreement is not always going to turn out the way that I want it to turn out. It's not also going to turn out the way that it has in the past. And this has been really helpful for me to recognize because for me, for a long time, I would feel like there's something wrong with me. I literally cannot remember a darn thing that was said. And then you start over guessing and overanalyzing and overthinking and everything like that. And so when I recognized that I would actually shut down, it was really helpful in healing because I realized it was happening. And so when you recognize your normal responses, then you can start looking at how you can shift out of those responses so that you can have a healthy conversation with someone that you know is going to be a challenging conversation to have. So looking at those is really important.

The other thing when you're dealing with confrontation is to remember to look at the facts, not the feelings. So I'm going to talk about feelings in just a second. My husband will often come home if there's something that's happening in his office or something like that, and he'll be like, I try to stick with the facts and not the feelings. So these are the facts of how this person was behaving, acting, interacting, whatever it is. And these are my feelings about the person. I have to separate those two things.

And I think that's really important because when we can separate our feelings versus the facts, we can then start viewing the situation through a different lens. This is the lens of love. This can also allow more compassion to come in when we are maybe dealing with a more challenging situation, and it allows us to see the situation through a different lens. It allows us to be in that other person's shoes as well. So if you start looking at the facts, it will shift. Maybe the possibility of not even having to have a conversation with that person.

But I want to encourage you, if you are the type of person that usually goes into avoidance mode on confrontation, don't use that as an excuse to avoid a confrontation. Remember that if someone is walking all over you or something is happening that you do not like, it is really important for you to look at the whole picture and also have a space where you feel safe to express your feelings.

So when you have a conversation with someone around, whatever it is that happens, it's important to not attack the person. And what I mean by that is not saying you did this and you did that and you did this and you did that. That is not a healthy way to have a conversation when you know there's some big feelings involved. So what you can do is when you do set up a time to speak to the person that has hurt your feelings or is doing something you don't like or there's a confrontation to be had is that you share from the perspective of your feelings. And I know this sounds a little backwards because I'm saying look at the facts versus the feelings.

So when you're in a confrontation with someone, you want to stick to the facts of what is occurring for you as the individual. So you're going to say, I felt I wasn't seen when I said this or I felt I was overlooked for this promotion. I feel I have been doing XYZ to position myself to receive the promotion. So we want to go back to I felt, I this, I that because then you're not attacking the person. They're able to see you through a different lens as well. Does this mean this is going to work of the time? Absolutely not. Because if someone else is in their feelings, working through their stuff, they might feel that what you're sharing is complete baloney. And that's okay too because that is their perspective. What's important is that you have a space to share and not to avoid or to attack or to take flight or to run away. Because when we can start processing confrontation in a really healthy way, it allows you to grow and stretch and evolve.

I know for me the other day, not the other day, but I know for me a little while ago I got into a disagreement with someone that I really loved. This person was very upset about something and started attacking me in many different ways because I said no to something. And normally my response would be to run. And I actually recognize that in that particular moment that I wanted to run. I literally wanted to leave the situation and I couldn't. And so I had to sit with it. And I said okay to myself. I said okay. This person is very upset right now with me. Let's look at the facts of what happened. I told this person no, and now this person is attacking me for XYZ, and it's really hurting my feelings. But let's look at some more facts around what this person is saying, so I don't shut down. So this is all internally. This is all going on in my head. So I took a break from the situation for a moment, and then I re-evaluated what they said, and then I shared some facts with them and my feelings about what it is that they were sharing.

And immediately, once I did this, this person's attitude shifted. I also had the opportunity to realize that this person's feelings were hurt because their love language is gift-giving. And I said no to receiving a gift from them that didn't make sense for myself or my family to receive.And this person was really upset about it. I wasn't trying to hurt their healings in any way, shape, or form, but it just didn't make sense. And it's okay to say no to things. It's absolutely okay to say no to things. And I did it in a very loving, kind way. And this person ended up getting very upset with me about something else that they allowed to be triggered by. And then everything snowballed from there.

And so if I wouldn't have taken the break and pause to look at it, also recognizing I want to run right now, I want to shut down right now and this situation is really hard for me. Let's take a break. Let's pause for a second and reevaluate. And so we were able to shift from that moment in time. And by taking the break, that person recognized some of their behavior as well, without many words having to be said. And the conversation still has some resolution to be had because there are some other things that have to be talked about, which I'm okay with talking about.

And that's the thing is, it's okay if a confrontation is done in multiple sessions that we can address one thing, air it out, and then take a break from it, and come back to where we left off. The other thing about confrontation is you don't want to bring up the past, bring up the past, bring up the past, bring up the past, bring up the past over and over and over and over again when it has nothing to do with the situation, and it's not fair to the other person. It's not fair to you. It's not fair just in general, because the other person can't win no matter what.

If the past is always being influenced by what's happening now, with that also being said, the past does hold a big impact, and this is where forgiveness has to come in. And if you're not able to forgive, then what part can you start forgiving so that you can start overcoming the past? Because the past will keep you locked in the same place. And that's not fair for anybody involved, because we want to evolve. We are always evolving. We are always changing. And once we give ourselves permission to let go of the past, new avenues wake up.

I will often have to remind myself sometimes too, that just because I view someone the same way as five years ago or ten years ago does not mean that that person is that person, because a lot of it happened in that amount of time. And so we have to give the other person the opportunity to evolve in the situation. Also know that sometimes if you are in the wrong and you have said you're sorry, sometimes sorry might not be good enough for the other person, and we have to be okay with that as well, because sometimes some people will react the way that they're going to react, and there's nothing that you can do to change it. And so it's important to know that you're doing your part of the relationship to assist in healing and mending and moving on. And if the other person is not a willing participant, that's okay too. Let go of outcome, let go of expectation. Just allow the person to be and act the way that they want to act.

And I say that knowing that there's a universal law and that law is the art of allowing.
With that law, if someone doesn't want to move forward, but you're making the effort to move forward, that's totally up to them. Unfortunately, they're going to miss out on something. And it's okay. And I'm saying this because we can't control what someone else does, but we can play the part of creating peace, of speaking our truth, standing in our power, holding boundaries, and giving ourselves permission to forgive and move on. It's really important that you do this part. And if that other person doesn't want to do that part, that's okay too.

I also wanted to share that sometimes we know that a confrontation can be super scary and that you might not feel safe. And so if you know you're going into a confrontation where you don't feel safe with the other person, make sure someone else is with you, make sure you're meeting in a public space, make sure you maybe meet on video or something like that where it allows you to feel safer in the situation. Don't put yourself in harm's way and remember to practice safety. The main thing is too is I want to just encourage you to have the courage to speak up for yourself in a healthy, kind, compassionate way. And that confrontation does not have to be as scary as we make it out to be. I know for me that if I'm avoiding a confrontation, I'm just basically avoiding pain and if I just rip the bandaid off, I will allow myself to have space for other things that I want to focus on.

If I have a confrontation that's being held over my head, I'm avoiding it or the person's not wanting to speak with me, there's a lot of energy space, worry, and stress that we end up using in order to wait to have that confrontation. And so my thing is take space but don't take too much space and just rip the bandaid off. Get it over with. Remember to look at the facts versus the feelings. And when you do have the conversation with the person, Talk about it from the perspective of "I" so you don't go into attack mode.

And when you recognize those signs, look at what you can do to shift out of that so that you can have the conversation and come up with a resolution. Remember, there's always a resolution and it might not be the obvious resolution to the problem, but it will come with just having a conversation. And sometimes it's just a matter of getting out your feelings and that's how you come to the resolution. But you totally got this and it feels so much better when you are able to have a conversation with someone that you're able to shift out of any of the angst or anger, frustration or worries or stress that you have around the situation because it frees up the space that you really, truly desire to have instead of holding space for what happened.

Anyways, I hope you guys enjoyed this episode. I hope to see you in the free summer solstice healing meditation. All right, have fun. Take care. Remember to like and subscribe. Bye.

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2 Comments

  1. Annamarie

    Amy’s spiritual abilities leave me speechless! It’s as if your soul knows what my soul needs at just the right moment, like this podcast about How to Handle Confrontation! Excellent timing once again, Amy! Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your sharing your gifts!

    • Amy Robeson

      You're welcome my dear!

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